Day 4

(yesterday)

The highlights:

1. Playing 1.5 hours of soccer with the boys at the hospicio. I am actually kinda ok at it =
 two goals! But that is against 3 foot tall boys and we are giants. But oh well.

2. Reuniting with Joseline!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She is so big (FAT!!!!!) and has long hair. She is talking some but still behind developmentally I think.

3. Cafe y pan in the afternoons.

4. HORCHATA today during lunch! (Courtney Reed!!!!!!)

5. Improving Spanish!

6. After dinner talks with my family. Over chess, weddings, religion, y todo.

things I am thinking about...

Charlotte or Dana said something about not being able to be ourselves when we can't speak the language. In the US I am silly, sarcastic, snarky, extroverted, etc. But here I am SOOO timida. Sarcasm is not accepted here. And I do not have the cutesy vocab to be bubbly. It's almost as if we lose a little bit of ourselves. Maybe that is what is alienating and scary. I think of so many great comments I want to say in English but than they do not translate.

Spanish is such a beautiful beautiful language.

And today I am content. Here the word for happy is 'contenta' which is so appropriate. I am happy and at peace. I am exhausted from chasing kids all day but I know it is ok. They remember me and all the nurses do too - everyone is so shocked by me returning. Nobody has come twice. I do think it means something. I hope so.

Today there was a march for HIV awareness. Afterwards we had songs and a small service and lit candles in memory of those who had died of HIV AIDS this year. It was beautiful. And kind of revolutionary because we proclaimed HIV in public in Guatemala. A very conservative Catholic country. A very taboo topic. We stood proud. It was awesome. I think I will process more later.

Day 3

Today was a great day. Gracias a Dios. No more loneliness like last time. I get to share my love for Guatemala with my friends. Today we had a beautiful time exploring Antigua and I think they love it and I dunno why I was so worried! I surprised myself by how much I remembered about getting around and different streets and businesses. We used the internet and bought cell phones and everything was without knowing the time (which I love). We had nowhere to be and no clue what time it was. Beautiful. There is something natural about eating when your stomach says to, getting up with the sun, and going to bed when the sun goes down. Tranquilo. There are moments when having no purpose is frustrating and makes you stir crazy, but here it is good.

Day 2

Day 2:

My spanish feels so smooth and natural. It is flowing well. Now that I have more confidence... which means I talk very fast and mess up lots. But I can see fluency within reach one day and it is SO EXCITING.


Here's what's hard. I have been reading Proverbs and really meditating on how good it is to listen more than you speak. But here I am chatting away in Spanish (to practice) but I also need to stop and learn how to have an ear for it. Is listening or blundering better for learning a language? No se.

I am glad I was taught to never interrupt. When I catch myself doing it here I am ashamed!

Explaining scholarships to my host family is so hard. There is no word for it in my dictionary and my family has no concept of it. I told them I received money so I could come back. I really wanted to tell them about Eve and how incredible she was and how I hope I can honor her memory. But I did not know how to say that in Spanish. I need a whole new dictionary to describe her! But anyway scholarships make me feel like a sugar mama, or make me feel wealthy. I try to explain need-based aid scholarships but I do not think they can understand because to them I am the richest person in the world. I could explain at-risk/low income but I do not think it would be that beneficial. All that matters is I am here and I am blessed.

Day 1

Day one:

Airports are so glamorous to me. Today I dressed like a bum but normally I dress up in my most expensive-looking (Old Navy) clothes. I always wanted to look rich because people who fly are rich. Or I thought it was only rich people. You can tell newbies from pros... pros who have flown their whole life sit back and relax and don't even pay attention to the safety video; they sit and chat about how this flight/plane compares to others. #casual. But I think I am still a newbie. I get all flustered and rushed at security and bite my nails during take-off. Silly me.

But airports are not just glam because of rich folks - it's because they are so diverse. You see so many people and hear languages. You see things that are not in Chapel Hill. A whole army battalion on their way to Iraq? Umm Chapel Hill is not so military supportive. How's that for making you think about politics and death and war? Airports remind me of how diverse North Carolina ISN'T.

I remember the social worker at the Durham VA always said how people think Durham is SOOOO diverse but it's not. He said he dealt with race and class at work all the time, and intervened on behalf of patients when other employees are oblivous to culture. He was from NYC.

Who would know I could ever have a reason to roll my eyes at NC?? Never knew I could love NC less but I guess each one has growing to do.

Day 1 night time:

Thoughts=

1. I am laying in a bed I have slept in before. How cool is that? This room is kinda mine.

2. I have no idea what time it is when I am here. Am I going to bed at 7pm or 10pm? I dunno.

3. The first thing my host family said was "QUE GORDITA" as in... How fat you have gotten! Here it is kind of a compliment, meaning round or womanly or curvy. But they definitely spent 10 minutes on how much weight I had gained. lols.

4. Alex separated us 4 into 4 separate host families and I feel TERRIBLE. The girls are troopers though.

5. Anxious because I did not get to tell my family that I arrived safely. Do not worry family! #firstworldproblems

Voy a fartar!

That is in reference to my lactose intolerance. Leche is everywhere here. I dunno how to warn my family in Spanish.

Anyways I am here safely. Sorry to my family for not contacting them until now. Communication is sketchy.

I am already having a beautiful time. It is so wonderful to have friends here. A pretty view is not as pretty when you have no one to share it with.

I am already surprised at the words and phrases I remember. I know fluency is closer than ever, but it still feels out of reach. How I long to be a bilingual nurse! But as my host father says, I need paciencia.

I am in the same bed, in my same room, with my same family. I have so many memories of being sad and lonely last summer. Although my times were great, the nights got lonely. And now I have amazing company to keep it with.

Today we are spending the afternoon in Antigua, the most beautiful city in the world.

Tomorrow we orient at the hospital. I long to see Rosalie again! (see posts below)

I have so much more to say, but only 2 minutes of internet. So, until next time!

I love you all. I am here because of you. Besitos!

Take two!!!

Today at Chapel Hill Opthalmology I acquired new followers! Thanks ya'll for encouraging me by saying you wanted to follow my journey. In one week I will be flying out of RDU to Guatemala City. I am anxious and apprehensive, but SOOOO excited!

I will also be posting on http://evecarsonscholars.wordpress.com/ for the scholarship. My posts will probably have the same content.

I will be back in one week!!

Home.

I apologize for the extreme lack in communication this past week. I am safely in the states and safely wandering through culture shock.

Last week I spent my days at the HIV and AIDS clinic in Santa Lucia. I did not have internet access and my days were long and emotionally straining. The clinic was not how I expected it to be, but the experience is exactly what I needed. Also I am not sure why I would have expectations, because I knew nothing about the clinic when I got here. What would I know about HIV in Guatemala? The Lord definitely changed a very prideful, stubborn heart this week.

A friend once told me that most people who want to work with HIV and AIDS do it for the hero power. I feel like I am guilty of that sometimes. I wanted to have alot of responsibility at the clinic, I wanted to have patient care. The truth is, they needed someone to help with the babies. And the truth is, that is exactly what I needed. I was forced to change diapers, be thrown up on, peed on, spit on- and that is precisely the type of experience that puts pride to rest and makes you realize how lucky you are to have the priveledge of taking care of another human being who cannot take care of themselves.

I have fallen in love with ten babies. From 0 months to 2 years- they are all HIV positive and all live in a room. I was suprised to see all the clothes and shoes and toys they had- but the hospital is the only one that treats HIV in Guatemala so the donations are good. All the shirts are from the States so the kids ask me to translate the meanings of the words into Spanish. It is funny to see the snarky-wal-mart-type Tshirts, and the concert T's and the Hannah Montana T's on those bodies- that have never left the gates of that place. Most of the children are orphans, because their parents died of HIV.

Now time for my nerdy time. I grilled one of the nurses about HIV in Guatemala. I asked her which of the big three (male to male relations, drug needles, mother to child) were the main problem in Guatemala. The culprit did not surprise me. The machismo culture. She said most of the cases are mother to child. A man and a woman are married and do not use protection because why do they need to, they are married? Since the culture is machismo, the man chooses to be unfaithful to his wife. He has multiple partners and then comes back to share the marriage bed with his wife. The woman is the recipient of what he brought back, and the precious chiuldren I took care of are the result. I am not saying men are always the ones who are unfaithful, but this is the norm with machismo.

What I am saying is these tiny children have literally done nothing but be born. They are now not allowed in public schools, national hospitals can't treat them, and they will never be allowed a job with any human to human contact. The truth is most people in Guatemala believe that HIV si transmitted by kissing. In reality, you need 1 gallon of human saliva to transmit the virus. When I told people I was volunteering at this clinic, they immediately took a step away. The taboo is also due to the strong influence of the catholic church. HIV is evil.

It all comes down to this. We are all the same. We are all human, and have broken broken bodies. All of us are desperately in need of something to pour life and love into a fragile state. People with HIV have not participated in some kind of "immoral behavior" as some US politician said. No matter if it is the 6 month orphan who did not do a thing, or the cocaine addict. Who are we to think we are better? And to deny them medication, jobs, education and the right to a semi-normal life? I get so angry. Why did I know nothing about this disease, this pandemic, until I went to college and took a class entitled "AIDS AND SOCIETY"....if this is the pandemic of our generation, why does nobody know about it?

I do not want to end with my angry soap box. So I will end with this. This is Rosalie. She is two. She has nobody. Her parents both died of AIDS and she has no extended family. She will grow up here and leave and probably have no job or hope of an undiscriminated life. She chose to attach herself to me. Rosalie is the most compassionate 2 year old I have ever met. She grins and smiles and shows affection. She is also the fattest.She came to the clinic with severe malnutrition but is now....FAT. the nurses call her "gordita" and all the other kids make fun of her weight. Whenever we go on walks or walk to the cafeteria she begs to be carried but is made to walk cause her belly is...well big.

Rosalie is selfless. She is not in the baby category- so the older kids do not beg to hold her and feed her. She cannot talk yet so she is not in the hilarious category. She is not old enough to be mischievous and bratty so she does not get that type of condition. She does not get much attention at all, besides the necessary.

Why is Rosalie self sacrificing? Let me tel you something I noticed. Rosalie is amazing at gesticulating. All Guatemalans are. When she wants soething she grunts and then points. When she wants me to come she flings her hand forward and grins. She will go sit down on the ground and pat the spot next to her to say "come sit by me". But here is why she is magnificent. Every time we would be play and she heard someone else crying- her eyes would perk up. She would look up from whatever she was doing and look for the source of the distress. Then she would hit my arm, catch my eye, and point at the other baby that was crying. I knew exactly what she was thinking. Then, she would touch my legs point her index finger at the baby, and give a quick head nod. She told me "go! he needs you more than i do". I was utterly in awe of this. It happened all the time. She would see the baby, get my attention and tell me to go pick it up- no matter how stressed out she was- at TWO YEARS OLD the needs of others were put before her own. I love Rosalie. It is all worth it.