Home.

I apologize for the extreme lack in communication this past week. I am safely in the states and safely wandering through culture shock.

Last week I spent my days at the HIV and AIDS clinic in Santa Lucia. I did not have internet access and my days were long and emotionally straining. The clinic was not how I expected it to be, but the experience is exactly what I needed. Also I am not sure why I would have expectations, because I knew nothing about the clinic when I got here. What would I know about HIV in Guatemala? The Lord definitely changed a very prideful, stubborn heart this week.

A friend once told me that most people who want to work with HIV and AIDS do it for the hero power. I feel like I am guilty of that sometimes. I wanted to have alot of responsibility at the clinic, I wanted to have patient care. The truth is, they needed someone to help with the babies. And the truth is, that is exactly what I needed. I was forced to change diapers, be thrown up on, peed on, spit on- and that is precisely the type of experience that puts pride to rest and makes you realize how lucky you are to have the priveledge of taking care of another human being who cannot take care of themselves.

I have fallen in love with ten babies. From 0 months to 2 years- they are all HIV positive and all live in a room. I was suprised to see all the clothes and shoes and toys they had- but the hospital is the only one that treats HIV in Guatemala so the donations are good. All the shirts are from the States so the kids ask me to translate the meanings of the words into Spanish. It is funny to see the snarky-wal-mart-type Tshirts, and the concert T's and the Hannah Montana T's on those bodies- that have never left the gates of that place. Most of the children are orphans, because their parents died of HIV.

Now time for my nerdy time. I grilled one of the nurses about HIV in Guatemala. I asked her which of the big three (male to male relations, drug needles, mother to child) were the main problem in Guatemala. The culprit did not surprise me. The machismo culture. She said most of the cases are mother to child. A man and a woman are married and do not use protection because why do they need to, they are married? Since the culture is machismo, the man chooses to be unfaithful to his wife. He has multiple partners and then comes back to share the marriage bed with his wife. The woman is the recipient of what he brought back, and the precious chiuldren I took care of are the result. I am not saying men are always the ones who are unfaithful, but this is the norm with machismo.

What I am saying is these tiny children have literally done nothing but be born. They are now not allowed in public schools, national hospitals can't treat them, and they will never be allowed a job with any human to human contact. The truth is most people in Guatemala believe that HIV si transmitted by kissing. In reality, you need 1 gallon of human saliva to transmit the virus. When I told people I was volunteering at this clinic, they immediately took a step away. The taboo is also due to the strong influence of the catholic church. HIV is evil.

It all comes down to this. We are all the same. We are all human, and have broken broken bodies. All of us are desperately in need of something to pour life and love into a fragile state. People with HIV have not participated in some kind of "immoral behavior" as some US politician said. No matter if it is the 6 month orphan who did not do a thing, or the cocaine addict. Who are we to think we are better? And to deny them medication, jobs, education and the right to a semi-normal life? I get so angry. Why did I know nothing about this disease, this pandemic, until I went to college and took a class entitled "AIDS AND SOCIETY"....if this is the pandemic of our generation, why does nobody know about it?

I do not want to end with my angry soap box. So I will end with this. This is Rosalie. She is two. She has nobody. Her parents both died of AIDS and she has no extended family. She will grow up here and leave and probably have no job or hope of an undiscriminated life. She chose to attach herself to me. Rosalie is the most compassionate 2 year old I have ever met. She grins and smiles and shows affection. She is also the fattest.She came to the clinic with severe malnutrition but is now....FAT. the nurses call her "gordita" and all the other kids make fun of her weight. Whenever we go on walks or walk to the cafeteria she begs to be carried but is made to walk cause her belly is...well big.

Rosalie is selfless. She is not in the baby category- so the older kids do not beg to hold her and feed her. She cannot talk yet so she is not in the hilarious category. She is not old enough to be mischievous and bratty so she does not get that type of condition. She does not get much attention at all, besides the necessary.

Why is Rosalie self sacrificing? Let me tel you something I noticed. Rosalie is amazing at gesticulating. All Guatemalans are. When she wants soething she grunts and then points. When she wants me to come she flings her hand forward and grins. She will go sit down on the ground and pat the spot next to her to say "come sit by me". But here is why she is magnificent. Every time we would be play and she heard someone else crying- her eyes would perk up. She would look up from whatever she was doing and look for the source of the distress. Then she would hit my arm, catch my eye, and point at the other baby that was crying. I knew exactly what she was thinking. Then, she would touch my legs point her index finger at the baby, and give a quick head nod. She told me "go! he needs you more than i do". I was utterly in awe of this. It happened all the time. She would see the baby, get my attention and tell me to go pick it up- no matter how stressed out she was- at TWO YEARS OLD the needs of others were put before her own. I love Rosalie. It is all worth it.

confession

I am happy today because I had an experience that confirmed that I have my footing. I have acquantainces! I neglected to tell my family and friends that I was actually coming to Guatemala alone. As in, there are no other volunteers here. I am most definitely the only foreigner in the town. But today, as a}I made my habitual walk down the highway, I was able to stop and chat (platicar) with THREE people. One was this old man who has a mustache and always wears a cowboy hat. Another was a lady who is always walking near me, she told me she likes my bolsa (charlotte :). Another is a group of women who are always strolling their strollers up the highway. I always exchange pleasantries, maybe kiss on the cheek, or a hug with these groups. I also always run into the ¨young men¨ of the town...who always know two or three words to chat me up. ¨hello chica¨ or *goodsbye* or *see you later* in broken english. It is very flattering.

Random notes:
- i am wearing my favorite outfit today. scrub pants, guatemalan soccer jersey, and chacos. Not sure if the marks on my feet are a chaco TAN or just dirt. I love how sparse the showers are here.
- i visited the clinic where i will be volunteering today. The social worker said *oh there was a group of nurses from your university a few months ago* ARE YOU KIDDING ME CAROLINA??????????????? WHY ARE YOU SO GOOD AT SOCIAL JUSTICE????????
-today i bought my textbooks for this fall, is it weird that my obsession with getting things done spills over into other countries?
- i had my first brush with death yesterday. aha. not really. but i came across the first truly henious bus driver. i am speaking in wacko words because there are ALOT of young chicos looking over my shoulder....so maybe they won[t understand if i use random words?? right? ok so i got on the bus and KNEW it was wack. There was a crucifix on the dashboard as usual....and those shapes of naked woman that soccer players always have on their clothes. The guy just looked pissed. He went maybe 55 MPH on these tiny skiny road around huge curves. I thought we may tip. I thought it was just me who was terrified until the old man next to met let out a little smile after the 20th time i had been thrown up against him. Playing *curves* you could say. Yesterday the buses were so crowded that both rides i sat in between two people, on a seat made for one.

I have compiled a list of things i-wish-i-would-have-known-before-i-got-here/Do not be surprised if this happens in Guatemala/things to know:
-If you are ever in a hurry, forget it. Guatemalans do not know how to hurry. there is no sidewalk passing, there is no short meal, there is no eat and go, there is no *excuse me i am in a hurry*.

-do not be surprised when there are guards with automatic guns outside tiendas. This is a normal security measure. I barely blink when I pass 1 foot from a machine gun.

-if you are the last one to get on a bus, you better have good footing and get a running start- cause they like to take of before you are in.

-if you see small trees are giant branches in the road, do not be alarmed, they are used instead of cones to show work zones or wrecks.

-gunshots are normal. most nights i am woken up by firecrackers.............or something.

-it is normal to see 10-20 skinny wandering dogs on your way to class. Nothing is spayed or nuetered here....so everything multiplies. Dogs are literally everywhere you look. Yes inside stores and churches and restaurants.

-You HAVE to find Tampico....it is a tiny plastic bag with orange juice in it. Only 1 quetzal...or 5 cents. I buy it everyday on my way back from class.

-Everyone honks their horn, all day, every day, with no reason. To say hi, to say move over, to say I AM HERE, and most often with no reason.

-do not ever flush anything....if it is yellow let it mellow....if it is brown flush it down. if it is paper, throw it in the receptacle. Plumbing cannot accomodate TP.

-I took my first shower in a bucket. Yes.

-buy the PANQUEQUE mix here. It is my favorite food!!!! And the coffee here....well Guatemala practically INVENTED coffee!!!


Today was one of those rare mornings were there were no clouds. My walk down the busy road permitted me to see 3 giant volcanos. It is so so beautiful but also a frightening way to remember you are human.

Just checking...

¿DOES ANYBODY READ THIS?

oops not supposed to be caps.

Terremotos terremotos!

Today I had a long conversation with my Spanish teacher about earthquakes. He said that the last major earthquake was 1976 and they guess that major ones are 25 years apart. We are way past due. He told me about how people buy food and have shelters but it does not really bother anyone that their city could be flattened in minutes. This blows my mind. He said there was a micro earthquake 2 nights ago and asked if I felt it. He said the small ones happen about 100 times a day. I am determined to feel one.

Today I went to Pollo Campero which is like Guatemala{s KFC. They are on most blocks here. I have been thinking alot about how diabetes has been a major problem here, completely changing the life of guatemalans for the past 10 years. I am sitting in Pollo Compero and there is a indigenous Mayan women eating a piece of fried chicken in her traditional Mayan garb, and drinking a giant drink. Something here feels so weird. Globalization does not fit in here. (also the sweet tea at PC was WACK!)

Yesterday Alex and I went to visit a comodrona, which is a Mayan midwife. We made the long drive in the truck in the afternoon, during the after school rush. The contrast between the main highway (that leads to the capital) and the village we arrived in was startling to say the least. The highway is always full of cars and buses and trucks, but then we turned onto a dirt road. From a far the village looked like a slum, from close up it was colorful. Mostly Mayan which means it is poor. It was a vibrant community, we walked past many cardboard and tin rooved houses. Always clothes hanging out on a line which I love. There is one part of a Guatemalan house that is never cheap/flimsy/weak, and that is the front doors. They are always heavy duty metal, usually with bars and a buzzer...or you just yell. When someone comes to the door, they always look through the peep hole before they move the lock. I see it as a direct influence of the U.S....how so? A few years back, the CIA and our government aided the Guatemalan military to put down what we thought was a guerrilla movement. What happened was the slaughter of countless innocent [suspected[ men, mostly mayan. During the civil war you never knew whose door would be knocked on neext, or whose father or brother would be taken.
Last night Denis told me his father was dead. I knew it was in the civil war, but that is something you would never ever ask someone in Guatemala. It is just off topic, out of the question. I still do not understand the giddy, happen attitudes of all Guatemalans. I attribute their happiness to family. Here is my theory.

When colonialism happened the conquistadors basically siezed all the land and forced the indigenous people to work. Eventually if the Guatemalans were allowed to own land they had to divide it between their children when they died. But after a certain amount of time, the sons were only inheriting tiny pieces of land. Denis told me this over dinner last night. He said "we are happen because we have family all around us". Meaning....because of how land works, their ENTIRE extended family is within a square mile. Their parents live next door, cousins behind them, etc. It is beautiful. But pretrty soon the overcrowded land will force families to spread out around the country. This is why denis says he is sad about the future. But family is why I think Guatemalans are content.

Anyway we got to the office of the Mayan medicine women, and we were asked to wait in a small hall. All the doors were as t}I ahve seen in most guatemalan homes- simply blankets or sheets or scraps of cloth. I am sure they are to keep the bugs out because I donot think they do much else. The woman was beautiful. Colorful. and Beaming. She wore the traditional colorful Mayan blouse tucked into a patterned ankle length skirt with the belt cinching it tight. She spoke in broken Spanish since Mayan language is her first language. I asked her all the questions I had prepared and was able to follow most of her answers. Thje majors things I took out of it were 1) she uses only herbs that she grows. Never modern medicine. 2) She does not take money from her clients. If someone wants to pay or can{t....they can bring a pig, or milk, or a blanket they made. Or maybe she will let them pay 5Q which is about 75 cents. TO DELIVER A BABY. She talked about how she feels the baby instead of using any equipment like a ultrasound machine. She talked about a tea she makes for the women with high BP and how she helps mothers manage their diabetes. Even when she lost me, I stared at her. The woman was poorer than I could imagine and she delivered her neighbors babies for a blanket. I was too pensive and embarrassed to ask Alex about all the things I did not catch when we drove home.

Next week I am volunteering in the clinic from 9-5. I will not have alot of computer access. Please pray for me to have enough emotional strength. Also I am going to Lago Atitlan this weekend, supposed to be the most beautiful lake in the world.

Project gain ten pounds while in Guatemala is underway!

CARBS CARBS CARBS!!!!!!!!

Yesterday was a good example of the Lord turning a bad attitude into a good day. Lately I have felt a little bit annoyed about how I do not get much privacy in the house. Many times the kids go through my things or use my phone and camera. And I woke up sick and really just wanted to stay in bed. I was grumpy about going to church but I told my family I would. It is a good thing I have gotten used to stares because I was definitely the first white person, or extranjera, that this church had ever seen. My family said I am the first volunteer to ask to come with them. I had the normal new church "struggles" like....when do i sit down? when do i stand up? how does the singing work? But I also had new rules to learn. Thank goodness I sat on the right side of the church because after a few minutes I realized the left was only for men and women and children were on the right. I dunno why, but I was surprised to see drums, electric guitar, keyboard and ACCORDIAN in the worship band. I also learned it is customary to say "gracias Padre" throughout the service. I was shocked, ten minutes into the sermon, when I realized I was totally jogging with the Colossians themed lesson. Espiritu Santo, deseos malos, deshonestad, I got it! But the biggest surprise of all was when the bold-i-look-like-i-just-turned-twenty-pastor started speaking out against pornography and masturbation- things that RARELY pass the lips of a PCA pastor. He also spoke out against machismo culture in Guatemala, which is usually accepted with no questions asked. His boldness was refreshing.

I think his most startling rant was about "avaricia" or greed. He said that Guatemalans see things on TV that the Americans have like TVs, cars and money, and we want them. It was kinda awkward when he said Americans- like it was a normal example but he never thought there would be one in the crowd...Then he said "if you only hace two pieces of bread for your food for the day, but your neighbor has none, give them one of yours!" and "Do not be greedy for clean water, be glad you ahve water!" The way he spoke of generosity blew my mind. I always think generosity only applies to the rich....I always fooled with my hair or checked the time on my phone when pastors talked about this...caused surely it didn't apply to the poor!

It was encouraging to also see the similarities of the church to mine. It is reassuring to know that my God is the God of every nation. The gospel is the gospel.

After church I walked Sandy and Joseline home. I was starving so I bought us all bread. They chose they really rich, more expensive bread (which I don't think they are normally allowed to eat) and I chose a whole loaf of french bread. They were so grateful....but I felt silly because they total was 5Q which is about 75 cents. We plowed through the bread as we walked home on the noisy highway.
We got home and started the movie that they wanted to watch. The preview went like this: "Barbie is a world champion surfer competing in a competition (enter hot barbie guys) when suddenly she realizes she is part mermaid. Will Barbie be dismayed that she is different from others (besides having double D boobs, being 8ft tall, and having a disproportionate waist( or will she use her difference so save the mer-nation and be crowned mer-princess?"

After the movie I just could not believe how many people were involved as I watched the credits. I kept seeing male names and wondering "how does Mitch Smith explain to his golfing buddies that the reason he is able to join this country club is because he produced 'Barbie's adventure in Merland' and it reached #1 on the tween move chart?"

The best part of the day was when we were all in the living room and Nelly handed us steaming hot cafe with leche and a packk of galletas. I value family time so much, because it is so new to me. There is something so beautiful and so right about everyone sitting around sipping cafe. I want that for my future. There is something so right when a lightbulb goes out and Denis walks to the garage to get a new one and 3 year old Esaul follows him around like a puppy, so obviously wanting to be a strong, able bodied, fixer upper man. That is how is should be. Boy desiring to be like his father.

Then, finally, at dinner, I tried to talk sobre colonialism with my family. Fail. But at least I stumbled throug the words.

I am pretty sick with a parasite or something and keep beating myself up for not going on more trips. But then I say- Sarah, what were your goals for this trip? 1. Learn Spanish. Check. 2. Get to know another culture. Check. 3. Immerse yourself in your family. Check. Volunteer....next week, check. I am here for a purpose. I have no right to be dismayed at my weak stomach.